Well I went to my friends place and had a lovely time. Life never ceases to amaze me with what it throws up. Instead of my friend grilling me (like I thought she was going to do), she spoke about her daughter's battle with depression and how it's all in her head! I was like .
I made the decision to keep my mouth shut about my health and chose not to defend her daughter's journey. I didn't feel strong enough for my diagnosis to be invalidated and I had none of the facts regarding her daughter's illness or experiences. I think it is ironic that the younger woman with mental health issues has shied away from a friendship with me - and her mother who is so averse to mental health issues has warmed to me. Life is soooo full of irony!!

Today, I am having coffee with a friend from the party on Saturday night. We have been friends for a year but she's never been privy to my illness or my trauma. Telling the walking group about my new diagnosis from the outset was relatively easy because I didn't have an emotional investment in them a friends. This woman I do. My social life in the location I moved to a year ago has pretty much solely sprung out from my friendship with this woman. Yes, she is a very wise person, I like collecting wise people as friends but there is no mental illness in her family; there is no significant traumas; just the normal ups and downs that happens in well people's lives.
I will let her know that I don't want to go too far into things and I plan just to let her know I was severely abused as a child physically, sexually and psychologically; that my entire family suffers from mental illness; bipolar and that my brother has now crossed into schizophrenia and that I have broken away a) to keep me and my son safe and b) to properly manage our own genetic conditions.
I really want to be brief and not go into details. I want to help dispell any misconceptions she may have about mental illness without losing the friendship because I am mentally ill. Will let you know how I get on. I have an appt with my employment consultant this morning and got some of those legal, telco, and housing issues to keep chipping away at this arvo.

Hi,

I've had a shower and got into my thermals and my tracksuit. ( Apparently it is going to be a very cold, wet weekend, so I have donned my armour in readiness). I have a party to go to tomorrow night, which I am looking forward to.

This week I started tai chi classes, so I'm a little proud of myself for that. I also start doing one hour volunteer work next week, so that is another small step in creating more interaction with the world, in my life. I've done the walking group for four weeks now.

I had a big day yesterday and have been fatigued and sleepy today. I have done what I could and without beating myself up for what I couldn't do. I am finding it a little difficult to stabilise my biological mood and keep to a routine which meets all my psychological needs. But the good thing about being bipolar is nothing stays the same lol.

I am in the process of tuning my mind to all that is good and positive in my life.

LWx

Will catch up on the boards, after a good night sleep. Take care all - ie. Koshka

This experiencing emotions in real time is sooooo overrated. I am so bored with myself but I'm hanging in there and still doing it - after 40 years of a pattern of suppression. I'm putting all those deepest feelings on the table. Regardless of whether they are related to the issue at hand, I am accepting them. Last night I had hysterics. I felt sick in the stomach. I wrote down my feelings "I feel used, deceived, exploited, betrayed, treated like a cheap whore, powerless". I let myself feel those feelings and I let myself cry, even though they felt like an overreaction to the situation at hand. Usually I would suppress them because they didn't match the logic. Only this morning did I realise that I wasn't grieving the situation at hand, I was actually grieving my sexual abuse as a child. The current situation merely triggered those emotions. So this situation can actually be used to cleanse and heal an old wound. I think it has taken 40 years for me to get in a place where I can manage the intensity of those feelings. Even though I had hysterics, hysterics IS within keeping with that kind of wounding - and I was able to apply my own first aid and take care of myself. The love triangle I have recently experienced triggering the "Mum-Stepdad-Me" triangle. The dynamics were different but the recent situation was obviously similar enough to activate the old wounds. But not all of my emotions are because of my previous experiences. Some of them are legitimate feelings that most people would feel if they were treated the way I was by my ex-bf. I don't like the victim role... it feels so powerless... and I hate feeling powerless.